2 min read

When All the Advice Falls Apart: Finding Your Anchor in Crisis

This article is not about how I combat the illness when I was paralysed but more of facing my fears.

Truth be told, it's really hard to do any of the grounding or breathing exercises even if you want to during the initial shock and overwhelm stages. And that's perfectly fine! I recalled being alone on the cold bed, slipping down and having absolutely no energy to even push myself up. My legs feeling totally numb and I couldn't turn my body sideways. I'm actually a side-sleeper. I just lie there wondering what have I done with my life so far. Probably accomplished nothing much in life other than to have a corporate job and earning a fixed salary.

Life is so fragile, yesterday I was still walking and today I totally collapsed on the bed and cant even use the washroom. I had to wait for the nurses to insert the urine catheter the next day. Is it scary? Absolutely. I don't know what to feel anymore. I couldn't even wipe away my tears as my arms couldn't reach my face. I just stared blankly into the hallway counting down to the next nurse that may appear and read my vitals at the computer screen.

During the first 3 days, I had built a routine of tearing and staring at the hallway from 12am to 3am. From the second day onwards, I had so many tubes on me – NGT, the valve where they draw blood easily, I would look at the forming bruises and see they would spread. Even when I focused on summoning any energy in my legs, there were none.

It's truly hard to focus, it's hard to even breathe especially with one nostril totally occupied with NGT. It's hard to even do any grounding.

It was such a scary experience with doctors repeatedly reminding me it could get worse and recovery will take a long time but they could not give a timeline.

I just simply had to be patient and wait.

I kept listening to the mantras and sutras over and over again. Asking for more wisdom and patience and to ask the higher spiritual beings to at least let me gain back my bodily function if I'm meant to live. I kept reminding myself I had to live as my daughter was still young and I want to watch her grow. My dad had cancer and I can't bear to let him see me die. These were my points of anchor throughout the initial shock and overwhelm stages.

It was tough on my spouse too. I can't remember how many times I lash out at him telling him to quit it whenever he told me his story of him able to walk just after 3 days from a fall from height. I know he meant well but I was too immersed in my emotions to care about any advice at that point in time.

So I can perfectly understand how you may feel right now listening to my advice from previous videos on the breathing and grounding techniques. It's perfectly fine if you are not ready to try them right now, it's ok to not even try them at all. What is the most important takeaway is to have an anchor. An anchor to live on and look forward to the future.

To know that all these are temporary suffering and we will rise above it. To understand that this is not our ultimate enemy but to look upon it as something we can learn and go with the flow.

Everyone's pain is different. Not even I can tell you what to do exactly that will absolutely guarantee success.

Your anchor can be your faith, your family or loved ones or just simply living for yourself because you are worth it. Treat this as your second chance in life.

You're not alone in this.